


Cabrón

by ghostiesttrickster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Kids are 2 years older than the Beta Kids, Awkward John Egbert, Dave and Davis are twins, Dirk and Roxy are Dave and Roses siblings, Eventual John Egbert/Karkat Vantas, F/F, F/M, Highschool AU, Human Davesprite, In what respect? idk!, Jane and Jake are John and Jades cousins, John's in denial, Just by a fucking inch though!, Karkat Wears The Pants, Karkat is taller than John, M/M, Multi, No Game AU, Non-Game, Parties, Pining John, Vriska? who? don't know her, Yeah theres gonna be smut eventually, bro is not abusive in this fic don't come at me, davesprites name is Davis, ill add more tags eventually, so expect this to grow, tags to be continued, this is the first johnkat fic ive written in 4 years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 07:43:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14539959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostiesttrickster/pseuds/ghostiesttrickster
Summary: Definition of cabrón [Spanish for: dumbass]adj.stupid; brainless.Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are 18, and a senior at SKAIA HIGH SCHOOL. You live in a house with your FATHERLY father, and your pet iguana, CASEY. You are currently having a breakdown over a pair of pants.





	Cabrón

**Author's Note:**

> hey! wow, i havent written anything in a long time. check me out at @yellowmatsu/@theghostiesttrickster on tumblr!  
> enjoy the wonderful, short little startup for the fic!

“This is not fair!” A shout it was meant to be, but it only came out in the most frustrated tone the poor guy could manage. “This is so unfair, this is so unbelievably unfair that it makes the ban on Kinder Surprise Eggs look _justified_ . This is complete and utter bullshit! To the HIGHEST degree!”  
  
“They are _just_ skinny jeans, you buffoon. Why are you letting such a trivial thing go from your sad man brain down to your dick, hm? I assumed you were much stronger with your sexuality than that.” A retort from a beautiful young lady is spoken, her hand raises to her own cheek, in an overly-dramatic stance upon watching her close friend slowly lose himself over.. Well, somebody wearing jeans a little tighter than usual.

Now, pause for a moment. What are the names of Mr. Buffoon and Beautiful Young Lady?

 

**== > Check Mr. Buffoon.**

 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are 18, and a senior at SKAIA HIGH SCHOOL. You live in a house with your FATHERLY father, and your pet iguana, CASEY. You are currently having a breakdown over a pair of pants.

 

**== > Check Beautiful Young Lady.**

 

Your name is ROSE LALONDE. You are ALSO 18, and a senior at SKAIA HIGH SCHOOL. You live in an extravagant household with your MOTHER, and.. Well, it seems you do not own a pet anymore. You are currently consoling Mr. Buffoon for his pants-related mental break.

 

**== > Be John Egbert!**

 

Fine choice!

You are now JOHN EGBERT. You have quite a bit of backstory, and a completely valid reason for losing your mind over a pair of denim leg-covers being worn by somebody. This somebody is a person you have a long standing history with - somebody that you very much enjoy being around 99% of the time, the other 1% being when you are sleeping, eating, or busy otherwise, and this somebody is probably the most attractive somebody you’ve ever feasted your eyes upon. What is the name of this somebody, you ask? Well, that is information best told at a later date, or another point in this clusterfuck of a fanfiction. Breaking the fourth wall, I see? Of course!

Now, what do you look like?

 

**== >  John: Describe yourself.**

 

Your name is JOHN EGBE-

Now, pause. You did that already. You must describe yourself! Which.. Really, the best way to put it is.. Well, you know that photo of Seth Rogen and Danny McBride, where Seth is holding a warm beer in his left hand? You look like that! Only, you’re Mexican, so you’re more tan than that, not to mention you have the hair of Nick Jonas from the movie Camp Rock 2, more or less. Your eyes are still obscenely blue, and your smile is.. Well, needless to say, braces didn’t help. The overbite was still there when you weren’t paying attention to your own mouth. Your height isn’t the most astounding, reaching only a full 5’6”. You didn’t mind it too much, though. You were taller than your girl buddies, at least! On the topic of your skin tone, it’s close to what Revlon Colorstay Foundation shade #330 looks like - which you only know in specific, because according to Jade, you have the perfect eye shape for doing intricate eyeshadow designs, and you’re supposed to apply bases or something? You aren’t really sure, nor do you remember. You also don’t know any Spanish. The only language outside of the great American English is American Sign Language. Which you learned on a whim — even if it does come in handy a lot.

 

**== >  John: Look back on your sad, pathetic life.**

 

There was a point in your life where things such as people wearing skinny jeans wouldn’t push you to the highest rung of embarrassment and turn you into the humanoid version of a Strawberry Poison Dart Frog, which is a creature often found in Central America. This point of your life was when you were the ripe age of 13, a new-found teenager that finally caught up to his buddies, age wise. Man, it really sucked to be the youngest one in your immediate friend group, but it also had its perks! When you were 13 years old, life was so simple. All you needed to focus on was classic movies from 1998 and earlier, playing Metal Gear Solid 3 until you passed out at your Playstation 2, while sitting up on your living room floor, only for your father to come and nudge you awake so that you can zombie-walk back to your bedroom. These were the days where you had your buddies come over for movie nights and could focus on absolutely not doing your work for science projects, because, let’s be honest, who has time to do that when Armageddon is on TV a perfect 2 hours and 30 minutes before your designated bedtime? There was nothing better than knowing you can fall asleep to Steven Tyler singing you a song you still, to this day, blast into your skull when you get angry, or upset somehow. A rare emotion, but it happens to everyone sometimes.

The refractory nature of this buffoon was something that happened constantly. Being stubborn was part of his entire reputation! That, and being COMPLETELY hilarious. Seriously, your pranks were always a dime among a sea of pennies! There was no one that can beat your **EXPERT PRANKING SKILLS** , unless it was your father, in which case, that’s grounds for a war to break out. April Fools Day is essentially the day of reckoning in the Egbert household. That, and you are heavily monitored at school, as you will be this final year as well. A month in, now being a nice and cool September, and you’re already being warned and threatened to behave, or risk detention periods, in school suspension, and if there is anything like the junior prank you pulled last year on the principal? 4 days Out of School Suspension, _again_. You didn’t mind it too much, but catching up on all of your work when you had come back was a bitch x10.

 

 **== >**   **John: Jump to your present life. Enough thinking about your calm and easy childhood and adolescence!**

**== >  AND STOP TALKING IN SECOND PERSON. Switch to Third Person.**

 

John was enjoying his day, his typical Tuesday morning at school, that is until he saw a pair of legs he often tries to force himself to not think about, walk into the school like they damned own the place, stroll by his flustered ass, and proceed to the common area, to get some shitty school breakfast. Though, he has to admit, the chicken biscuits are pretty ace! Not Gordon Ramsay status, but still pretty good to eat when it’s 6:45am and the sun isn’t even out yet. John is only stuck watching him from where he stood, alongside his close friend Rose, next to a shitty brick pillar that really had no business being in the middle of the damn place, though it did serve a purpose. It held shitty school flags on one side, and one of many pictures of the principal on the other.

“ _John_ , are you paying attention?” Rose spoke up, which was the fuel needed for Johns mind to shift back into gear, and focus on the fact he was just recently ranting about a pair of pants - which, ironically, was what he zoned out looking at. He seriously wondered how the hell he doesn’t get busted for staring as much as he did!

“What? No, of course not. What did you say?” John cracks a grin, though. Which, earns an elbow nudge from the shorter blonde, as well as a smile of her own.

“I asked if you wanted to actually take a seat, rather than stand here like two.. Non-sitting human beings. That, and I made the mistake of wearing heels today. As amazing as I look currently, I’d much rather look good while sitting down.” Rose says, and with a laugh from the Egbert man, John leads them both to an empty table. A little out of distance from seeing the keeper of those legs again.. Dammit. It was too late to move seats now!

“You do look good today, Rose! No man can deny that. Or.. I guess woman, in your case since you’re like.. a lesbian, but either way, this is probably the worst kind of way to start my morning. I am sorry if my emotional outburst so early in the day pissed you off any.” John apologizes, as per usual, but Rose simply waves a dismissive hand.

“No need to apologize, John. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your emotional outburst only gives me more reason to have another one of my little friend sessions again with you. Perhaps we can have one tonight?” The blonde offers, with a signature smirk that told John one thing: Decline and whine.

“Aw, what! No way. Stop psychoanalyzing me when I’m having a breakdown over a stupid pair of pants on a stupid set of legs attached to a stupid body. The last friend session we had ended with me crying, and that is not going to happen again.” With a turn-up of his nose, John looks away, but of course, Rose would use this reaction, again, against the boy at a later date.

Before Rose could begin her next teasing sentence, a familiar voice is heard from down the hall, closer to the entry doors of the school, which pulled their attention away for a hot second. The accent was tell-tale for the asshole who just walked in, with another one of John’s good friends in tow - the accent, you ask? Texan. Pure, unadulterated Texan accent, and man was it sounding through the entryway of the school like someone has a damn megaphone alarm blaring in an elevator — but, of course, this blonde boy and long-haired beauty will be introduced at a later date. Of course, they had things to do! They had classes to attend, unlike John and Rose, who were still residing in the common area and trying to silently argue, John still denying the “Rose Lalonde Therapy Session” that she was.. Very much trying to make happen, despite all of Johns bitter, sleep-deprivation fueled protests.

 

**== > John: Feel like it’s going to be a long autumn season, and kindly switch back to second person** **.**

 

So, you do.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a _very_ long autumn season.


End file.
